But what if your relationships are stressing you out?  What if connecting with someone in your life results in you feeling burdened, frustrated, and confused?  Do you have a relationship that feels like “it’s always about the other person”?  You are always talking about what’s going on for them, what they are feeling, how they are coping, what is stressing them out.  It seems like there is a never-ending sequence of problems, issues, and drama.  But you don’t ever get to share about your concerns, stressors, or thoughts and feelings.
 
You might be dealing with a “tornado”.  Tornadoes are a force of nature that can suck you into their vortex, hold you hostage while bombarding you with debris, and then spit you back out.  Getting constantly sucked in and spit out is exhausting.  These types of relationships are unbalanced…there is little reciprocity.  Over time, being in this kind of relationship results in you feeling resentful and angry, which can seriously harm the connection you have.
 
It’s important to recognize when we have a “tornado person” in our life.  The thing is, in many cases, tornado people don’t even know what they are doing in relationships.  Often, it’s not intentional that they make their own issues the priority.  Really, this is another case of people just trying to cope the best they can in the moment.  Tornado people are often in a lot of distress.  They are having a hard time coping with life’s demands.  They may be struggling themselves with anger, anxiety, or depression.  Nobody really likes to be a tornado person.  There is often a lot of guilt and feelings of incompetency or worthlessness.  Understanding and empathy is key here.  Most of us want to support, help, and comfort the important people we have in our lives.  But what if the person you are trying to support is a tornado person?
 
When we work with clients who are struggling with relationship issues or problems in therapy, sometimes it is the case that clients have so much empathy that they can’t move away from the tornado.  When a person sees a tornado coming at them, they don’t run towards it, right?  They move away from the tornado.  They recognize the harm that might be coming and they shield themselves.  But when the tornado is a friend, family member, co-worker, or loved one…well our empathy kicks in and we just wait for the tornado to suck us in or we run towards it!  And thus, the relationship continues to be one-sided.
 
But there is a better way!  Examining the nature of the relationship and establishing healthy boundaries is key.  This might involve having to be more assertive and prioritizing your own needs.  This is very challenging for some clients.  Some people have a really hard time accepting that they have their own needs and wishes that deserve to be acknowledged.  But ultimately, a healthy relationship is built on healthy, appropriate boundaries and reciprocity.
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Are you struggling with a tornado person?  Or are you the tornado person in the relationship?  We can help to identify unhelpful relationship dynamics and work on implementing better ways to connect with the important people in your life.

Below I list some common strategies that people use when faced with problematic anxiety:

Coping strategy #1: 

Probably the most common strategy is avoidance. 

We just try to avoid what is making us feel anxious.  Anxiety feels terrible so it makes sense, on some level, that we would try to avoid the situations that make us feel anxious.  Why would we want to subject ourselves to feeling so overwhelmed?  The problem is that although we may get a short reprieve from feeling anxious, we never actually get over the fear, so anxiety just hangs around and gets more intense over time.  Avoidance can take many forms.

• Distraction:  This involves occupying yourself with tasks or activities so that you don’t have to think about what is making you anxious or feel the sensations of anxiety.  This can look like over-scheduling yourself so that you are busy all the time.

 

• Procrastination:  Anxiety feels so overwhelming that it makes even simple tasks seem complicated and too difficult to cope with.  You then repeatedly put off or postpone these activities.  But this just makes anxiety grow because the to-do list keeps getting longer and nothing gets done. 

 

• Isolating and withdrawing from others, particularly if anxiety is triggered by social situations.

 

• Using drugs or alcohol in excess so that you numb yourself and don’t have to worry or feel anxious. 

Avoidance maintains and intensifies anxiety.  The opposite of avoidance is directly facing your fears.  This is what I encourage clients to do.  We use a very gradual, collaborative approach.  We work together to first build up coping resources so that you are more confident in being able to tolerate anxiety symptoms. Then slowly, but surely, we tackle the very things and situations that trigger your anxiety, thereby loosening anxiety's hold on you.

Coping strategy #2: 

Another common strategy is excessive reassurance seeking. 

Problematic anxiety can trigger self-doubt and low confidence.  Anxiety can make it very difficult to make decisions because it over-emphasizes risk.  What if you make the wrong decision?  What if your choice results in failure, disappointment, catastrophe?  Even simple choices seem impossibly complicated and overwhelming.

Of course, seeking out support from trusted people is helpful.  But excessive reassurance seeking is different.  It is asking friends or family members constantly about the things you are worried about. Getting others’ advice, encouragement, and confirmation feels good and can decrease worry in the moment.  It can make you feel temporarily more confident.  This can allow you to make decisions and get things done. 

However, new situations and choices will pop up and more decisions will need to be made.  And then the worry and anxiety will come back with a vengeance.  This feels awful, so then more reassurance is needed to relieve that anxious, awful feeling.  This sets up a cycle of relying on others’ feedback and reassurance to feel ok. Not only does this not get rid of anxiety but this process further erodes self-confidence and it can have a negative impact on relationships over time. 

When I work with clients in counselling, we focus on increasing confidence to make choices, even in the face of some uncertainty.  We distinguish between helpful support from family and friends and dynamics such as reassurance seeking that really only enable anxiety to thrive. 

Coping strategy #3:  

Rumination.  This is thinking about different aspects of a situation or an issue over and over again. 

But instead of this process resulting in actual problem solving and a positive outcome, rumination just makes us feel stuck.  We keep turning over in our mind all the negative aspects of the situation. 

Rumination stems from a very common belief that when you are faced with a problem, the best thing to do is to think about that problem and analyze the problem until you find a solution.  Seems to make total sense, right?  But when you are anxious, particularly if you are in a state of high arousal, thinking through the problem can actually make you feel worse.  In this anxious state, you do not have access to all the potential options available to you.  Anxiety gives you tunnel vision.  All you can think about is the negative, scary stuff. 
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I often encourage my clients to first calm the body and then turn to addressing worry.  There are effective ways to “think through” a problem but rumination is definitely not one of them.  Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) offers effective strategies to look at and analyze your own thinking and worries so that anxiety can actually be addressed appropriately.

These coping strategies are pretty common responses to problematic anxiety.  Again, I really believe that we are all just trying to cope the best we can in the moment.  But there are better ways to tackle anxiety!  Please reach out if you'd like help to change how you are coping with your anxiety.
 

Anxiety is a completely normal and helpful emotion.  It is activated when we are faced with possible problems or threats to our sense of security. It helps us plan, problem solve, manage risk, and reduce harm that may otherwise affect us negatively.  But sometimes anxiety can be excessive.  It can take over our minds and bodies in a way that, over time, becomes exhausting and debilitating. This is problematic anxiety.

Anxiety affects our bodies by increasing arousal.  Normal anxiety increases arousal but then our bodies return to a more relaxed state.  Problematic anxiety results in chronic arousal.  You are physically tense all the time.  Some clients feel anxiety in their upper body – stiff neck and shoulders and headaches.  Some clients experience chronic stomach aches, nausea, and diarrhea.  Panic attacks are a severe form of anxiety and can feel like your body is going haywire – heart pounding, sweating, dizziness, difficulty breathing, and chest pain are some common symptoms.  Panic attacks can be triggered by stress or can come up completely out of the blue.  These unexpected attacks can be a terrifying experience.  Panic symptoms can come on so quickly and intensely that some people believe they are having a heart attack and rush to the ER.  Physical anxiety symptoms are taxing to our system and when they hang around too long, they result in exhaustion. 

Anxiety also takes over our thinking.  Racing thoughts.  Constant “what ifs”.  The barrage of worries is unrelenting and can affect our ability to focus on daily tasks. Problematic worry often results in a sense of urgency – a feeling that we must attend to the worry right away.  We get into a situation where we are constantly jumping from one concern or problem to another.  This makes us feel like there is not enough time to get anything done.  This cognitive state is not only draining but results in feelings of being out of control.  Chronic, intense worry can result in major disruptions to our sleep, which can deplete our coping resources and make it even harder to cope with anxiety.

When I work with clients in counselling, I operate from a core belief that we are all just doing the best we can in each moment and situation.  We do things for a good reason, even if perhaps the things we are doing may not be the best strategies in the long-term.  When we are trying to cope with excessive anxiety, we often resort to several predictable strategies that may help us cope in the moment but actually make our anxiety worse over time.  This is why it is so hard to stop worrying and stressing out. My next post will be about these specific unhelpful strategies. 

When I work with clients in therapy on managing anxiety, we work together to first understand what anxiety looks like for them.  How is anxiety expressed and affecting them?  Then we uncover the strategies that the client is using to cope.  We take a look at how these strategies may actually be making their anxiety worse over time.  Then we work to shift from these unhelpful strategies to strategies that are effective in managing and decreasing the intensity of anxiety.  We address both the physical and cognitive symptoms of anxiety.

It is incredibly rewarding to work with clients on conquering anxiety.  Anxiety is actually highly treatable!  You do not necessarily need to be taking anxiety medication to manage problematic anxiety.  Anxiety does not have to rule your life and suck the joy out of your day-to-day experiences.  My model for helping clients with anxiety is primarily based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).  It is an evidence-based problem-focused therapy that can really work to decrease the intensity of anxiety symptoms. 
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If you are struggling with problematic anxiety, I’d be happy to help.